What A Waster.

So I'm Sitting here, reading my book about anarchism with the handmaids tale sitting beside me, contemplating whether or not to watch the film before I finish the book, and i suddenly get distracted and start looking up alexithymia (thanks jaf)
alexithymia: literally 'without words for emotions' This was used by some kid called Peter Sifneos to describe 'a state of deficiency on understanding, processing or describing emotion.'
You know what? I wish I was alexithymic. Oh how simple life would be. Without this constant youthful need to be worshipped that Mr. Doherty knew too well about. Without fear, without paranoia, without dread.
I know I haven't updated this in a while but it's not like anyone is reading this. Anyway, in case they ever should I shall continue writing because who knows, this might keep me sain a little longer.
I realise I have gone off the tracks of the topic a little, even though it never really had a subject matter to begin with, but the vague theme of today is uncertainty.
Yes, i bet that threw you off. Here I am, reading a book about anarchism and yet i'm droning on about my own series of unfortunate events. Don't worry kids, the political ideologies are for another time.
This idea came to me whilst i was in the midst of struggling to write my personal statement. The absolute pain I am experiencing trying to write this thing and in understanding anything I have to at the moment I will come onto later, but the uncertainty element is this. Why am I even bothering. Just because I try to express my views in 42 lines doesn't give me a garunteed place at the university of my choice to study one of the predetermined options they've already given me. Who's to say I'll get a place anywhere? Who is to say what I will do with my life. I sure as hell have no idea. It's idiocracy.
I'll tell you why. Its human nature. Oh how romantic that sounds, you can't deny it's true, and we know it. Some of us embrace it, some of us shy away from it altogether ( I for one being the latter) but it is. Unfortunate as it is, we can't actually control most of what we do. Isn't that odd. We might think that we are doing it for ourselves or that its what we subconsciously wanted, but the truth is that we are absolute animals, and something just get in the way, and all we do is learn to adapt.
One of these, is hope. We like to believe in ourselves and hope that everything is going to turn out right. Its mainly because we are future oriented. Most of us anyway, some of us are past oriented, nostalgic little buggers, and some are hedonistic. Oh how i envy you. Those, are the real rationalists. They realise how to spend life, because nothing is certain. You may believe in fate, or destiny, or religion, but in all fairness, do you really know what's going to happen tomorrow?
What about the day after?
you never know there might be an apocalypse.
I bet Dennis Quaid had plans with his mother too.

Narcissist

have you ever said something that you wish you could take back? or do something you regret? the answer is most likely yes, unless you are by some reason some sort of angelic being that can do no wrong, though that is highly implausible. That for me, is the worst feeling in the world, that of regret. I have a paranoid mind and the instant something leaves my lips my mind is aching trying to analyse every single possibility of how it was perceived. It leaves me frustrated, and quite often in pain. As you can guess I'm usually subject to a lot of headaches. However, what i'm saying could apply to the wide majority of the population. Who says I'm any different? Maybe i think like this because of my sex, or possibly because I'm a teenager with raging hormones. we don't know, nor will we ever. and that's the scary part. You can analyse and judge and study all you want, you can believe the media or the government or the scientists, or chose not to its your choice. (or is it?) But, if you take a step back and look at the bigger picture for a minute, is there any real way of knowing what this is all about?
I realise that this post has become rather spiritual and earthy so i shall swiftly move on, to my next point. People who say they don't have any regrets, are usually the ones who believe that their regrets have shaped them as a person, which is al well and good. They've discovered how to learn from their mistake and to not let it bother them in this point in life. What its hard to ignore, is the recent ones. The ones that have not yet been resolved and that leave you embarrassed and itching in your skin. What's hard, is to accept your regret and live through it.
I promise my next post will be more entertaining, a little less depressing (maybe not) and better written, but for now i leave you with this jumble of words. No wonder I got a D in my English exam.

Don't Look Back Into The Sun

Its a funny little thing, im quite unsure as to whether or not i believe in it or not.
I think i know whats right for me, but we all know thats not true. its the same for everybody really. We can be enlightened to human nature all we want but weve been brought up to be selfish and animalistic, and therefore we cant trust ourselves as much as we can trust other people. If we are to make mistakes so does everyone else.
And still the diminishing kindness in my heart says 'go on, trust them, whats the worst that can happen im sure they're considerate.'
maybe i should stop listening to it and become alienated, like marxism suggests we are.
Sometimes, i actually hope it's right.
Sometimes, i like to live in ignorance.

The Man Who Would Be King.

Especially after reading 1984 by George Orwell I've suddenly fully recognised the importance of writing and literature, both fiction and not, but I don't think I fully understand the density of it yet. But will I ever? Will anybody ever fully understand?
There are two types of readers:
essentialists: These are what we learn to read as, at least the vast majority.
This way of reading lets us believe in the reality of the fictional world, we empathise with the characters and for all intensive purposes experience Catharsis, the release of the emotions of pity and fear, to provoke a sense of self love and confidence in the reader or giving them a better instruct on how to live their lives.
However.
Marxists believe there is another type of reader, Representational.
These readers understand the necessary points in literature, yet as most of the main Marxist theories suggest, the literature represents the true feelings of the persona or what society should demonstrate, if you get my drift. As complicated and confusing this all may sound, it also seems to make perfect sense.
The philosopher Plato had the idea of the cave, and that this materialistic world was illusory and that we must search for a better standard of living, again much to the belief of Marxists.
Personally, I believe Marxism to be a very interesting concept. I am not calling myself a communist, and I'm definitely not calling myself a capitalist but its hard to decided what the rightful path might be after having been indoctrinated for so long with one way of thinking. Maybe we have and maybe we haven't, who knows but this goes for any society really which ever one you've been bought up through. I don't think communism or Marxism has been rightfully portrayed in society, wherever you're bought up you're bound to believe one thing or another based on you're upbringing and culture. Take Chine for example, a communist dictatorship you could say, except without a well known (and hated) dictator. The education system is tailored to promote love for communism, and therefore to question it would be the alternative option, almost the opposite for someone growing up in a capitalist democracy.
Though, I do think that Marxism and communism show differences. In my opinion, Marxism is the belief and communism is the practise itself.
One thing that truly irritated me is feminism. Sure, historically it's had it's place, for which don't get me wrong I am extremely grateful, and I also think that it could be put to use in under developed countries especially those lacking in civil rights, however as a highly developed and rich country, with an intelligent and fair (kind of) government i really don't think feminism as an ideology has a place.
I'm not fully conforming to the stereotype that all feminists are lesbians who burn their bras and name sheep beauty queens, but what truly gets on my nerves is the pure ignorance of some of these people.
Women have stereotypes, yes some positive, some negative, but women are not the only ones with a stereotype. nor will we ever be. There are racial, cultural and even stereotypes relating to generations, not to mention harsh stereotypes directed at men (how often have to heard someone say all men are pigs hmm?)
Another interesting idea is that a lot of feminism claims are based on Marxist theories and ideas, and the the blame being held on industry as opposed to attraction from men.
Using ideas from Naomi Wolf's 'The Beauty Myth' it claims that it's not actually men's desires which pressure women into changing themselves and provoking self conciousness, its actually to do with economics and the economic world, 3 industries in particular: The cosmetic surgery industry, The cosmetics industry, and the dieting industry; each worth a massive amount of money.
By creating the feminine ideal, they create a sense of worry in women, who strive to fit the ideal, which is partly down to what they think men want (even though earlier established its not this at all, most men would actually chose a women who doesn't look like the 'barbie' stereotype) this fills women with a sense of false conciousness who rely of these companies to better them and conform to the role of the ideal woman.
This also relates back to Marxism and the view that capitalist society creates industry to confuse humanity so that people don't realise what's really important in life, instead believe that materialism is the way to succeed.
All these ideas co-exist to create one confusing, and if i may say so, fucked up world.

Road to Ruin

Okay so I've Been lazy, and for that i apologise, but sometimes writing becomes more of a chore than a hobby. I love writing, and posing all these arguments that form in my head into actual literary proof, but sometimes it can be too difficult. I've gotten into the habit recently, of thinking too much ahead. So, i start to write a post, where do I take it? What do i write about? In all honesty i have nothing. I think about doing something music or film based, and then I take the cowards way out. Some people call it laziness, some call it procrastination, maybe its a bit of both, bu if I'm being honest, for me its fear.
Its in all of us, some more prominent than others, some play up to it and some dont. Some of us hardly notice that it's even there. But for me, the fear of writing a bad post or whatever this is, accomplishing something I'm not proud of is a big fear for me. I like to live in ignorance, most of us do. We like to live our lives without the knowledge of the things that could potentially hurt us. We say we always want the truth, and we'd prefer to know but it's not always the case. I recently had a situation which if I had avoided; would have saved me a lot of trouble and embarrassment. If only I had kept it to myself, if only I had stayed that much longer in denial and tried to forget about it, but this one time I didn't, and look where it got me. Lying in bed and replaying my mistakes in my head. Its funny to think that you are told to always tell the truth, yet it can get you in some awful situations. The truth and trust are very fragile issues. Both can be misconstrued and manipulated into something fake, and it brings the debate whether they actually exist in the first place. Truth is a tricky concept. There is never one straight forward answer, even in exams its based on opinion or wording or workings out, nothing is ever set in stone, which makes you wonder if there is more than one truth to every situation, then does 'The' truth exist at all? Trust is also valuable yet losable. it can be lost in a second, one of the things about human nature is we're unpredictable. I find myself doing things that I regret and frown upon in hindsight, yet in the moment i cant seem to stop it. And if other people can do this, whats to stop them sabotaging your own truths.
See, its a complicated issue that seems to go on and on in a cycle which is giving me a headache, and probably making this boring to read so i shall begin to persist, But;
If both trust and the truth are really so breakable then what gives us a lot of stability? This is what gives me fear. Whatever I write, i have to have an element of trust in, I have to know that I am happy with what I want to write, and whether what I'm writing is a true interpretation of my thoughts. I could fabricate a long story about my opinion on a certain song simply for the space to be filled, but then what? What happens next?
Thank you for reading this long winded and poorly thought out essay on something not many people care about,
good day

Horrorshow

What gives anybody the right to anything?
the only reason we have a government is because of our human instincts, some may be familiar with the fight or flight syndrome or whatever you call it. We need leadership, we are genetically inclined to follow.
But this is the question resting on everybody's lips (some just don't realise it yet, too busy with who's going to win Britain's  hasnt got talent and what not) Is why are we ruled by lazy lousy and damn-right fucking stupid hypocrites? Who knows. I may have posted something similar to this in the past but I just wanted to reiterate it; what gives us the right to rule, to take charge. There's a part in 'Enduring Love' in which Joe talks about everyone's desire to lead, and that how everybody thought if they were in charge it would have gone smoothly. Unfortunately, we as humans are selfish, which is why the man ended up falling to his death from the balloon.
it's also incredibly strange how politics works. It's based on lies. The stories that they tell you, and we all seem to go along with it. The only reason cameron had a baby was to get more votes, now Milliband's just got married, its not for their own happiness (well maybe it is but for a different reason) its so that you're going to see them as a loving family man and vote for them! The only reason JFK even got married was because he said he'd look 'queer' if he didn't. We know this is a lie, the kissing babies, visiting the old vegetables, yet we still believe it. Why!?
What gives these lying bastards the mandate of heaven? Thats right, im using a chinese confucian term which basically means the right to rule, and we should take note. Although the Chinese had and still have some crazy ideas and should really sort the whole communism thing out, the old 6th century philosopher had a point. The Chinese have a suspicion of new ideas, of course this led them to ban programmes containing time travel which  is a bit extreme but the idea is justified. The believe that civilisation is cyclical, that it is built up and up only to then collapse and again be built up based on the same ideas, which is why anything new is frowned upon, however the western world believe that civilisation should progress and progress in a linear pathway, which will then evidently collapse altogether, which is precisely what happened to the Romans. They progressed too quickly, and now their empire is no more.
But how does this all relate to my original point? Sorry for going into a tangent there but my point is this: we are too ignorant to look to the past. We think we are so special that although we learn how things managed to happen, (for example nazi germany and the soviet union) it just doesnt apply to us.
Well guess what it does, how did we even allow the lying conservatives into power? If we are not careful we could be speaking chinese anytime within the next ten years.

MayDay

I had tumblr but i deleted it because its a fucking p i s s t a k e
and in all honesty its just created problems.
I'm not one to push blame onto other things, at least i hope not, but i am not accepting the whole world on my shoulders. I actually understand that the world doesn't revolve around me, in both ways.
1. The sun doesn't shine up my arse
2. everything isn't always entirely my fault.

in all honesty if i stopped breathing right now, what would happen? sure, some people may grieve but then everyone moves on in the end, and when they die I'd be nothing but a distant far off memory, barely remembered and soon to be forgotten, just like everyone else that grieved for me.
Put that into perspective why don't you
and if that is true, then really what's the point in any of us living?
Do you believe in the so called sanctity of life? because i fucking don't.
we either live for the recreations of our past or the possibility of the future, and anyone who can truly live in the future, i applaud and idolise.